Addiction Resources/Support
Recovery – Hers and Mine
I apologize for having been gone so long. I’ve had other personal/writing projects in the works, as well as tending to my 93 year old mother’s increasing needs and care. And with Hayley now in recovery, there isn’t as much high drama to report on and vent about. The reality is, however, I need to focus on my own recovery from my daughter’s addiction, more than ever. And, I struggle with that process. More on that, later.
First, a Hayley Update:
Hayley has now been clean and sober for nine months. During that time, she was in medical detox for 12 days, then completed a 120 day residential drug treatment program, then moved to a sober living house for 5 months, recently acquired a California driver’s license, bought a car, started working at the treatment center from which she ‘graduated’, and just moved in to an apartment with two other women in recovery. So far, so good. It’s a lot. These milestones in her recovery are all very encouraging, and I’m so proud of her hard work and commitment to sobriety. It’s almost difficult to comprehend – and fully embrace. I’m very aware of the enormous amount of financial support that was required to facilitate her recovery – and that NOW, with that financial tether mostly severed, the real work of genuine, lasting recovery begins. Hayley has just begun to deal with the reality of managing her own time, money, impulses, and recovery program. Unfortunately, getting sober didn’t automatically reverse or eliminate many personal issues/traits that eventually led to her descent in to drug addiction. So, I’m somewhat guarded – and trying to just take one day at a time.
To those of you new to my blog, Hayley was a heroin/crack cocaine addict (or anything else she could get her hands on) – and was living a high-risk, dangerous life of depravity and desperation in a series of crack houses. She became a serious drug addict at the age of 30, after years of ‘dabbling’ with a variety of substances, from alcohol, to pot, to prescription painkillers, et al. As a beautiful, well-educated young woman from a family of ‘privilege’ who had been given/earned a variety of enviable opportunities throughout her life, Hayley defied the stereotypical drug addict profile and predictor statistics. Yet, there she was, less than a year ago, with only two possible outcomes if she continued doing what she was doing: death or jail. She came close to both.
I want to offer hope to those of you in desperate need of good news, information, and help for your own situation. First, if you haven’t already, you can read about the harrowing events in the months and days leading up to Hayley’s dramatic turnaround and walking away, with our family’s help, from the world of addiction. My January through May 9th 2010 posts chronicle the timeline leading up to my daughter’s recovery. Timing, luck, synchronicity, opportunity, higher powers and who-knows-what-else, all converged to create the perfect storm for Hayley’s decision to change her life. I am grateful beyond words, humbled, and still mystified by this bloody miracle. There is no magic formula for such a positive outcome. However, there is support and help for you to get through what you thought you never could .
I understand that when trying to cope and deal with a child’s life-threatening illness, you gather as much information as you can, and don’t rule out anything. And, of course, addiction is an illness. I encourage you to reference and visit the sites I’ve listed to the right of this post. They can provide you with important resources, information, and the emotional support you need to soldier through the roller coaster of addiction:
•Addiction Recovery Blogs are written by those currently in recovery themselves. They have walked the talk and know more about addiction and recovery than any professional ‘expert’. Their perspective and insight is of particular help to me right now, and a credible source of experience, strength, and hope. Professional interventionist, author of The Lost Years, and recovering alcoholic/crack cocaine addict, Kristina Wandzilak, just came out with a new blog worth visiting: Sober and Shameless. And, I highly recommend Guinevere Gets Sober. “Guinevere” is recovering from a prescription painkiller addiction, is a mother, wife, and eloquent writer. Actually, I don’t mean to necessarily single out any one of these blogs. All those listed are worth visiting/reading. They offer hope and a realistic glimpse of the daily struggles a recovering addict faces. I find myself wanting to learn more about addiction, especially from the addict’s perspective. These blogs help.
•Addiction Resources will give you a variety of good, practical information about the signs and symptoms of addiction, definitions of terms and drug language, descriptions of drug paraphernalia, treatment options, and more. Become educated about what you’re dealing with.
•Favorite Blogs list some good blogs by other parents who are struggling with addiction in their family, where you can get a wide range of perspectives and scenarios, and, perhaps, not feel so alone. The ‘community’ of other desperate parents, dealing with their child’s addiction, is such an important resource. Even though my daughter is now in recovery, I still like to visit these sites and take the time to give any words of support that I can. I so appreciated viewers responding to my own posts that were usually written in despair and in the midst of a crisis. Their support would often keep me going through, what I thought, were impossibly painful and frightening circumstances. I also learned through these blog posts, that many situations were worse than my own. It helped keep things in perspective for me.
•Inspiration For Living your Best Life: blogs that don’t necessarily deal with addiction, but will lift you up and inspire you to live your best life. I make an effort to go to these sites regularly, to help keep the focus on myself rather than my recovering addict, and expand my knowledge on how to be my best self.
My Own Recovery
Trying to take one day at a time and keep my focus on changing the things I can, is a process and takes time – it is and will most likely be, a lifetime of work. I am trying to recover from my obsession with what my daughter is or is not doing. The daily vigilance and monitoring become a nasty habit. There is a fine line between enabling and truly helping. It is incredibly hard not to interfere with the natural consequences of my daughter’s choices. And, I will continue to seek out the help and support I need to stay within my own hula hoop. We cannot climb up a rope that is attached only to our own belt. William Ernest Hocking
Right now, I feel that I’m taking a break and stepping back from almost 10 years of constant worry and anxiety. I am slowly shifting my focus – and working on not letting my daughter’s life take over my own. It’s time to face my own demons and create the life I want for myself. Take rest; a field that has rested gives a beautiful crop. Ovid
This from Al-Anon’s Courage to Change: . . . I was busy projecting a horrible outcome to my loved one’s crisis and dreading the ways in which the consequences might affect me. The slogan, “One Day at a Time” reminds me that, in spite of my fears, I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. Why am I leaping into the future? Perhaps I’ve given my feelings no room to exist. Part of me gambles that by worrying in advance, bad news will be easier to face if it comes. But worrying will not protect me from the future. It will just keep me from living here and now. “Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow; it only saps today of its strength.” A.J. Cronin
Will I ever overcome the effects of my daughter’s addiction? Anger, resentment, and fear are my demons. Can I accept the reality of my life? When I try to control a situation by making suggestions, asking prodding questions, and feel the compulsion to comment, I am losing my focus and need to put my energy back where it belongs – on myself. We should have much peace if we would not busy ourselves with the sayings and doings of others. Thomas a Kempis
I still struggle with accepting that I am just as powerless over my daughter’s recovery, as I was over her drug addiction. Trying to” let go and let God” and break the cycle of my addiction to worry and fear, is difficult – it becomes a convenient distraction from focusing on my own life and what I need to be working on: my own actions, behavior, motives, and relationships. Am I afraid to live life for myself? We’ll see. In the meantime, I will try to stay in the present – it’s really all I have.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 9 so far )Casting Call
Last week, I received the comment below on my blog, waiting for approval. I decided to post the note after doing some research to ensure that this new TV show, therapist Dr. Tara Fields, and WEtv were all “legit”. I not only contacted my friend, professional interventionist, author of The Lost Years, and former crack addict herself, Kristina Wandzilak to get her input, but I also have had further correspondence with the casting producer, Julia Jenkins, who was most gracious in answering all of my questions. And so, here it is:
To Whom It May Concern,
My name is Julia Jenkins and I’m a Casting Producer for WEtv and Ish Entertainment. I’m working on a compelling new series based in Southern California that will help families who are struggling with difficult issues, such as behavioral issues, addiction, control issues, eating disorders or obesity. I was wondering if you would be interested in posting my message on your blog.
As you know, these issues not only affect the individual, but the whole family as well – and our Licensed Family Therapist (Dr. Tara Fields, as seen on Oprah, Dr. Phil and CNN) wants to help. We know that especially in these tough economic times, a lot of families are struggling but don’t know where to turn…and this heart-warming show will be devoted to lending a helping hand to the families who need it.
Please see our casting notice below. If you’re interested in learning more or have any questions, please don’t hesitate to contact me.
LICENSED FAMILY THERAPIST, DR. TARA FIELDS (AS SEEN ON “OPRAH,” “DR. PHIL” AND “CNN”) WANTS TO HELP YOUR FAMILY!
Is your family in crises struggling with issues that need to be addressed? Is someone in your home dealing with an addiction and you don’t know where to turn?
WEtv’s new show can help!!!
Dr. Tara Fields has made a difference on “Hoarders” and “Intervention” but now YOUR FAMILY can have the chance to work one-on-one with her! This exciting new one-hour unscripted TV series will delve into the lives of families in crisis. Tara will work with families to uncover what their real issues are and then help them to overcome them, making the families whole again.
If you – or anyone you know – are in need of help and live in the Los Angeles area, contact us today! Families who appear on the show will receive free family therapy and a financial honorarium as a thank-you for their time commitment.
We look forward to hearing from you!
When I asked Julia how she found my blog, she answered: I found your blog on Google.com. I typed in addiction blogs and it popped up.
And when I asked about some specifics of her program, this was her response:
We are dealing with all types of issues. From drug addictions, to marital problems, to obesity issues. Here is a list: addictions, eating disorders, obesity, infidelity, control issues, marital problems, bullying, blended family stress, toxic in-laws, job loss, depression, anger management. Our only criteria for the families is that they live in Southern California. Dr. Tara Fields will be working directly with the family and her office is in that area.
We will be filming each show for a week. Dr. Tara will work with the entire family throughout the week. Once the cameras leave, the family will receive 6-8 weeks of continued therapy, free of charge and not a part of the show. We feel it’s important to continue therapy once the cameras leave. The WHOLE family will receive therapy, not just the addict.
In regards to the (type of) therapy, treatment facilities etc, this will all be worked out once productions starts. The therapy will be done by Dr. Tara Fields. Our goal with the show is to make these families whole again. We are not just targeting the addict, we will be working with the entire family, really getting to the root of the issues in the home and not just pointing the finger at the addict.
I hope I have answered your questions. If you have any further questions, feel free to send them my way. I appreciate your help and look forward to your feedback.
Email: IshTVCasting.Julia@gmail.com for more info.
*Please be sure to include a description of your family and the issues you’re dealing with, along with a recent photo.
Julia Jenkins, Ish Entertainment / Casting Producer
IshTVCasting.Julia@gmail.com / www.theish.tv
And so, there it is – a chance to participate in a very professional, dramatic, and public analysis and treatment of your family’s/addict’s problems. For the record, I’m not endorsing this program 
or Dr. Tara Fields. I’m just passing along the opportunity for a chance to participate in this ‘reality TV’ program, and potentially getting some help for your family’s issues with addiction. And, I can verify that the program, TV cable station, and this casting notice, are all ‘legit’. However, before you decide to get yourself and your family involved in such a project, please think through the possible consequences – both positive and negative – of such a commitment.
If you are a long time reader of my blog, you will remember that I reviewed all of Kristina Wandzilak’s Addicted programs on TLC last spring. My family was offered the opportunity to be one of the families filmed for this series, which we declined. This post on the Addicted series and professional interventionist, Kristina Wandzilak’s credentials, techniques, and philosophy, might be worth a read while considering whether or not to answer WEtv’s casting call. For the record, Kristina does not believe in or use the surprise intervention technique that Dr. Fields has used in the past.
I encourage you to explore and consider this unique opportunity to get help for your family – but to also proceed with caution. Good Luck!
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 5 so far ). . . But A Molecule’s Difference
One of my favorite blog readers, Nora, who also has a blog of her own, Works Aside, recently left this message regarding her sister, Hannah, who is a heroin addict:
Last night, my family and I found out that Hannah is in a bad place. Despite telling us all she has been clean since she left rehab in April she actually been using heroin since then. Her ex-boyfriend Dave rang my mum to tell her she had just been to his house to ask for money. We are back where we started. The shock. The turmoil. The pain. The fear. Even though this isn’t the first time we’ve had news like this, it slaps you right between the eyes.
Your last post, Waiting For Bill, was incredibly poignant to read because last night my parents asked me what they should do. Everyone says “do nothing” – but how can they? Is there anything you can suggest we do? We don’t know where she is what state she is in, etc. Should we at least try and find her?
That, of course, is always the $64,000 question and the family’s painful dilemma. There’s a lot of debate around what to do and not do – and, there doesn’t appear to be a ‘right’ or simple answer. So, in response to Nora’s burning questions and passionate plea for help, I can only recount my own daughter’s road to recovery and hope there will be some relevance to her/your own situation. This is just one ‘case study’, one story of recovery. Please take what you want and leave the rest.
A year ago at this time, I was as desperate as Nora. My college-educated, 31 year old daughter, Hayley, had been living in a crack house for about seven months, using heroin, crack cocaine, and anything else she could get her hands on. I knew where she was, but had little contact with her. After she walked out of medical de-tox AMA (against medical advice) in August 2009 and returned to her abusive, sordid drug addict lifestyle, we, as a family, decided to take the “hands-off” approach. We had gone to extreme lengths to get her to a medical detox facility a couple of hundred miles away (there are none where we live) in response to her call for help. After de-toxing, the plan was for her to go to a reputable women’s treatment center near by. But after 4 days in the de-tox facility, she ran, and talked a cab driver in to driving her 175 miles back to her old life.
We were stunned. It hadn’t occurred to us that after courageously extricating herself from the crack house and deciding to get clean, she would give up, part way through detox. After that failed attempt to get Hayley in to recovery, we/I had virtually no contact with her for five long months. I nearly drove myself nuts thinking about and envisioning how she was living, what she was doing to herself, and what she might be capable of in order to procure her drugs. I was a wreck, valiantly trying to just hang on to my own life and sanity. Al-Anon meetings helped, I saw a therapist, and started writing this blog. Still, I felt devastated and hopeless, and found myself thinking more about preparing myself for my daughter’s funeral, rather than her recovery.
I must say, that after a few months, it became easier to compartmentalize and detach. This was mostly a coping mechanism, based on fear and complete despair. The logistics of trying to do a formal intervention and ‘rescue’ seemed impossible. Plus, most family members had been so badly ‘burned’ by Hayley walking away from de-tox, they were not especially interested in having any further contact with her. “Let her find her own way to recovery”, was the unified front we all adopted.
Around January, after Brian, Hayley’s younger brother, had not been able to reach her by text, my ‘mother lion’ instinct kicked in. I realized that I needed to do something. Was she even alive? Although a professional drug counselor had advised me to cut off all contact with Hayley so she could feel the full consequences of her choices, I had reached my saturation point – my bottom. I needed to hear from and see my daughter. The scale had tipped – one tiny atom had changed valence and upset the ‘balance’. 
In early March, the ‘perfect storm’ began to gather and gain force. On March 4th, I was headed to Seattle to hear David Sheff, author of beautiful boy, and his recovering addict son, Nic Sheff, speak. In re-reading my notes from beautiful boy, I was inspired to try to call my daughter and “break the ice” of her shame/guilt-driven isolation. That, combined with a serendipitous series of events and Hayley’s pending 31st birthday in April, pushed me to action. I was determined to be with my daughter on her birthday, to remind her of who she still was and how much we all loved her. My daughter was going to die if I didn’t intervene in some way. She had never been through drug rehab and I felt strongly that she deserved a chance to get sober. I knew she couldn’t do it on her own – and that I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t try to help her.
Some of you may be familiar with blogger, Dawn (DHAM). A while ago, Dawn sent me this excerpt from a recovering addict’s blog:
I was zombie like–running on automatic. Addicts don’t desire financial ruin, loss of self respect, ruining good relationships with family or friends, or spending time in jail/prison. Those are all just consequences of being an addict. People w/o addictions generally make their decisions based on their conscious motivations. An example, normal people get jobs so they can pay bills and support their families. For me as an addict, my decisions were made based on an impulsive, physiological drive for drugs. Every decision I made in life was centered around my drug addiction. The only reason I got a job was so I could pay for my drugs. If it was a choice between paying bills and copping a bag, the bag would always win. If I had a choice between eating a meal and drugs—-drugs.
Self control was non existent for me. My probation officer told me if I failed another piss test at one point I’d go to prison for five years. So for two weeks I’d quit using 3 days before I saw my probation officer. Then the lack of self-control took over me. During my 3 days of not using, I’d continually obsess over the drug, and despite the potential consequences of 5 years in prison, the drug would win.
The drug came before everything in my life. The high was more important than my family, my friends, money, food, water, my health, my future, my own life. Consequences never even crossed my mind like they do for ‘normal’ people. I needed it. I lived it. I breathed it. It became me…
And, my now recovering daughter, would add: . . . it got to the point where I wasn’t using heroin to get high – I needed it in order to not become violently ill . . . to “stay well’.
Back to the story. I had an advantage at that point. I had seen on the news that the crack house had been busted by federal agents and Hayley’s drug-dealer boyfriend was arrested. As a consequence, her ‘easy’ drug supply had been seriously interrupted. I received a text from her after the crack house raid that she was ‘ok’, still at the crack house, 
(now boarded up with no power), and living with Paula, the tough, ‘professional’ junkie and crack house ‘operations manager’, whose fierce competition with Hayley for drug dealer Bill’s attention and favor, often led to violence. Hayley had no money for food, let alone drugs. I was afraid of what she might do in order to “stay well”. I knew that Paula shoplifted at Wal-Mart regularly, and who knew what else, to generate cash flow. Hayley was most likely desperate enough to overcome her shame and guilt and agree to see me on her birthday to perhaps ‘score’ some merchandise that could be sold for drugs. In fact, that is exactly what happened. Soon after the crack house bust, I received a text from Hayley asking if I could meet her to deliver her quarterly stock dividend check (a couple of hundred dollars). I jumped at the invitation and told her we’d meet on her birthday, a week later. That would give me time to investigate some treatment centers, develop a plan, and gather her Birthday Gifts.
After that first meeting with Hayley in months (Yes, She’s Still in There . . .), I continued to stay in contact with her. I took her grocery shopping and on a few other errands. Each time we were together, it was easier and not so awkward. She began to talk more and revealed disturbing details of her life. We laughed about silly, mundane things. I brought her some make-up samples, shampoo, and underwear – and was gradually able to introduce the possibility of treatment, the facilities I had researched, how/when it could all happen. She was interested yet, at the same time, terrified – especially of the de-toxing process. On one of our visits together, I called “Lloyd”, the security guard and groundsman I had been in contact with at the small, all women’s 6 bed detox house we were considering. Lloyd reassured Hayley – his voice was gentle, and confident, and full of hope for her. He, too, had been where she was – and spoke her language.
But after each visit with her over the course of a few weeks, I would drop her back off at the abandoned crack house and just pray that we could get her to treatment before she OD’ed. That month of contact (combined with other serendipitous events and phone calls from other family members and a couple of random ‘normie’ friends) built a foundation that seemed to be the tipping point. 
These words, from Mr. SponsorPants, are particularly insightful:
Sometimes I think there is but a molecule’s difference between helping and enabling . . . between hope and expectation . . . between faith and fantasy . . . and further more, sometimes all the clever slogans in the world can’t help you discern when one slips into the other.
Hayley has now been clean and sober since last May 9th. It’s a bloody miracle. Our family’s journey through hell and out the other side is just one story – and it’s not the end of the story. We all know that Hayley’s sobriety is one day at a time. How/why Hayley embraced recovery at that particular time, when the option was offered to her, is still not completely clear. Ultimately, it is the addict that needs to want to change his/her life – I know that. Yet, it’s not always that simple. The addict is often incapable of taking steps towards change on their own – even if they fiercely want to. In my mind, the clock was ticking – it was a “dice-throw” as to whether or not Hayley could get herself out of her drug addict lifestyle before it killed her. 
There are some things, I think, that seemed to help Hayley walk away from drug addiction and get on the long and winding road to sobriety. More importantly, these things helped me stay sane and take charge of my own recovery – the only real control I have. (Thanks to Guinevere Gets Sober for her words: “. . . be present and have low expectations . . .”) I hope you can find something here that brings you a molecule of hope and possibility:
•Be Present: stay in contact with the addict – but not excessively. It will help narrow the gap between the ‘normal’/real world and the addict’s crazy, dangerous drug life. Today, Hayley says that it was easier to compartmentalize and ‘forget’ about family and ‘normal’ life than it was to stay in contact and connected. In her case, the less contact we had with her, the further down she spiraled, in to the deep, dark abyss of addiction. The shame, guilt, and fear of her situation were overwhelming to her – and paralyzing. In order to cope, she isolated. Her drug user ‘friends’ and ‘roommates’ became her family – one that didn’t judge her and accepted her for who she was – right at that moment. Even though they stole from one another and often couldn’t trust each other, they also shared what they had (food, drugs, fringe-y lifestyle) and ‘covered’ for each other. They all had a lot in common, and lived for the moment.
After Hayley walked out of medical detox in August 2009, our family essentially washed our hands of her. This was her first experience in medical detox, and she was then scheduled to go to a woman’s treatment center in Seattle. I just learned that after almost 5 days of de-toxing, with the worst behind her as far as physical withdrawal symptoms, she was ‘sober’ enough to actually feel her own anxiety and fear. She just couldn’t face going to treatment. That unknown seemed too overwhelming to her, whereas going back to using heroin and its accompanying life style, was something she knew, was familiar with, in a ‘community’, of sorts. She had earned a place there. A sense of belonging is a very seductive reason to re-join and/or become a part of any group, as evidenced by the abundance of gangs in our society. The ‘disenfranchised’ are welcomed.
Kristina Wandzilak, in her blog, The Kristina Chronicles, had this to say regarding “Fear and the Addict”:
How much is fear responsible for a person’s descent into addiction and inability to retrieve him or herself from it? Addicts, in general, are fear-based individuals. I’m not sure that fear has a lot to do with the manifestation of the disease, per se, but once we’re in it, fear keeps us from getting better.
We’re afraid of what will happen to us. We’re afraid of success, of failure, of living and of dying. We’re afraid to try to get better. It can feel easier to be resigned to a life of addiction than to live a different, sober life. Sobriety changes everything.
Through some of Hayley’s ‘friends of friends’ and acquaintances, I became ‘educated’ about the underbelly of our ‘fair’ city. I salvaged and saved every scrap of paper with a phone number or name on it that I found in her apartment when she was evicted. I spoke with drug counselors, our two community hospitals’ social workers and ER staffs, and found a ‘mole’ within the drug community who was willing to give me periodic reports on Hayley’s condition. I found out where all the crack houses were and dropped off letters to her – and, a Christmas present from her grandmother. I discovered that texting was a more non-threatening and reliable way to reach Hayley and get a response. (However, usually her own cell phone was out of minutes or not charged -so she was dependent on her ‘friends” phones, who often exercised their power over her by refusing to pass on messages, etc.) When I did hear from Hayley, I noted the phone number and kept it on file. The bottom line was that Hayley always knew how to reach me and other family members. But, she seldom initiated the contact herself. When I increased contact with her in March and April (2010), it helped break through that barrier of shame and guilt on Hayley’s part, and of helplessness on mine. Being with her reminded her of some things – that she had choices, that she was loved, that it wasn’t too late to change her life.
One caveat: if you’ve tried to ‘help’ your addict multiple times and it just hasn’t worked, you may need to step back and let him/her come to you – in their own time and on their own terms. You do need to protect yourself from the roller coaster of the addiction drama – it can suck you in and eventually use you up.
•Have a Plan (but not an outcome): Do some legwork and research in to possible treatment facilities and options. What type of treatment center would be best – short (28 days) or long term (90 days or longer)? all female or co-ed? 12 step based program? post treatment options? medical detoxing prior to treatment – and if so, how and where?, etc. Hayley was very fearful of the detoxing process. It was a huge barrier for her. During the last few months of her drug use, she was constantly dope sick. She didn’t have the money/means to reliably maintain her habit. Being dope sick was so unpleasant and withdrawal so horrible, that she would have never agreed to detox without medical supervision and palliative drugs to get her through the worst of it.
And, I guess, consider an intervention. The kind and degree of intervention can be tailored to your situation. We used a professional interventionist, Kristina Wandzilak, as a consultant rather than as an actual interventionist. She advised us regarding good long-term treatment centers of which she had personal knowledge. She served as a non-biased facilitator/mediator during two conference calls involving our entire family, as we expressed our individual concerns and fears. We all had our own diverse opinions about what we should do or not do and Kristina skillfully acknowledged and managed them all. And, there are so many treatment centers out there, it’s difficult to know which ones are truly effective. They all look good on the internet and sound great on the phone. The recovery industry has become huge, and is ‘big business’, with little regulation. It helps to get professional expertise and experience in choosing a reputable program. Getting Kristina involved was the best $450 we ever spent.
Go to this blog post to read about our family’s debate/discussion regarding an intervention with Hayley. Another post, Al-Anon vs Intervention, also discusses this controversial topic.
Hayley said that knowing there was a treatment plan in place was an incentive and helped make it become a real possibility. She would get immediately overwhelmed at the thought of needing to initiate the process herself. Just filling out the necessary paperwork required to receive treatment through the state seemed impossible. She was so ashamed – and was such a prisoner of her addiction cycle and physiological dependence on the drugs, that she could really only think a couple of hours ahead – and that focus was always on how to get her next fix.
•Timing is Everything: and often something over which you have no control. Hayley was a college graduate and started using heroin at age 30. Addiction is a progressive disease – and Hayley began with seemingly innocuous pot smoking and some alcohol use in high school/college. In 2002, having graduated the year before from a small liberal arts college, she was diagnosed with a serious eating disorder (bulimia). As a result of her ED, she developed some chronic dental issues and irritable bowel syndrome that lead to legitimate prescription pain killer use and, of course, eventual abuse. And, it all compounded to the point of moving through and using cocaine, methadone, smoking crack and ultimately, shooting heroin. After almost a year of living in a crack house, going to the ER multiple times to treat abscesses and GI problems, having her unemployment checks discontinued resulting in no source of legitimate income, getting beat up and abused, being dope sick almost every day, there were few options left. However, she told me recently, that she had resigned herself to being a junkie for the rest of her life, and dying a junkie. She couldn’t see any way out. And then, Bill, her drug dealer/boyfriend, started ‘messing with’ her blankie, which she has always had since she was a baby. Bill started hiding it and threatening to burn it to sadistically tease and control Hayley. That was the final straw, Hayley later recalled – but all of these factors collided with each other and accumulated into a critical mass that ultimately resulted in Hayley walking away from her life as a drug addict. And, at age 31, she was finally realizing that she didn’t have time to f*ck around.
•Keep Expectations Low (but keep trying): one small step can shift the balance; one atom moving into a different orbit may make the difference for bigger changes down the road. Don’t set yourself up for disappointment and failure. We have no way of knowing when an addict is ready to recover – or what small things can have a significant impact in shifting an addict’s desire/ability to get and/or receive help. Just don’t ever give up.
•Get Support and Work a Recovery Program For Yourself: I started going to the anonymous fellowship of Al-Anon over 8 years ago when Hayley’s eating disorder was first diagnosed. I am still learning how to shift the focus from Hayley to myself and be happy in spite of what Hayley is doing or not doing. To have such a safe place to find help – – – and hope, has been crucial in traveling down this road of drug addiction with my daughter that I didn’t choose, or know how to navigate. I’ve learned that if I apply the Traditions and Principles of Al-Anon to my life and relationships, serenity is possible (I’ve gotten a glimpse of it) and there are no hopeless situations. I invite you to Take a Seat.
Seek out true friends who don’t judge and want to listen – who rarely offer advice, and only when asked. I have discovered some Unlikely Friends and Neighbors whose compassion and support have been so incredibly comforting – and often, a pleasant surprise. Journaling, blogging, reading Al-Anon and addiction literature and good recovery blogs, all add to your body of knowledge about addiction. They can calm your mind, ease some frustration and guilt, and give you hope. All these resources helped me feel not so alone, for which I am grateful. See my BlogRoll and Recovery Blogs in the far right column, for reference. And, a Gratitude Journal helps to regularly think about, remember, and write down the things and people in your life you are thankful for. It’s a bit of a diversion tactic that helps to get your self out of your own misery for a while – and focus on what is good and positive in your life.
And finally, try to be of service to someone else who is in pain due to or struggling with addiction. This may be as simple as setting up chairs at an Al-Anon meeting, reading and commenting on blog posts, calling a friend who needs support and encouragement, giving someone your full attention and truly listening to them.
•Luck, Serendipity, a Higher Power, God: they all play a part that is impossible to predict or control. I don’t discount any of these and try to remain open to their presence. I will say that as of May 9, 2010, I do believe in miracles. And, I’ve learned that it helps to let go and turn some of the burden of worry and despair, over to a higher power. I’m still working on this.
So, Nora – I know this has gone on far too long and that I’ve left some things out. I don’t pretend to know what to tell you to do regarding Hannah. But, I do know that there is always hope, that YOU can find serenity, and that miracles do happen. One tiny molecule can make all the difference in the world.
Waiting For Bill
Hayley was just home for a few days to take care of a probation violation charge, and we had the unexpected opportunity to spend quite a bit of time together. The Prosecutor ended up sentencing Hayley to one day in jail – and because she already had credit for one day served when she was arrested over a year ago, her case was dismissed. Instead of spending 2 – 3 days in jail, my daughter spent Friday through Monday with me.
GULP! This was Hayley’s first time home, sober. Last May 8th, we, her family, orchestrated an elaborate intervention/rescue plan that culminated in Hayley going to an all women’s long-term treatment center in southern California, Safe Harbor. After seeing Hayley on her birthday, April 6th, it became apparent that she wanted to change her life. But as an active heroin addict, she was incapable of doing anything about it on her own. The words of Tom, at Recovery Help Desk, still resonate:
Voices in the “tough love, anything-you-do-to-‘help’-is-enabling-addiction, let them hit rock bottom” crowd tend to shout the loudest. But parents should know that the scientific research is on the side of the experts who say that early intervention is better than waiting for someone to hit bottom, and that enabling recovery requires action.
I realized that I had hit rock bottom and could no longer stand on the sidelines as my daughter played Russian Roulette with her life. As of May 9, 2010, my daughter has been on the road to recovery and working hard to maintain her sobriety. It’s a bloody miracle. And yes, I do now believe in miracles. The actual “rescue” was on Saturday, May 8th , the day before Mother’s Day. That day, I was scheduled to pick Hayley up at the crack house at 8:30 am. We had to be ‘on the road’ by 9:00 am in order to get her to the airport on time in Seattle and off to the treatment center. She was cooperative – but there were so many variables. At 5:30 am that day, my phone rang. It was Hayley, sobbing hysterically. “Mom, please come get me, right now”. That scene was a nightmare, and it was a miracle I was able to extricate my daughter from the cloying grip of her drug dealer/’boyfriend’, Bill. That relationship was so incredibly complex and convoluted, it seemed impenetrable. But, on that day, Hayley did walk away.
I assumed that Hayley had used right up until I picked her up that morning. (actually, I had naively considered that perhaps she had begun to ‘cut back’ on her heroin use, in anticipation of going to treatment) I had packed a new bag with all new clothes, a new backpack with toiletries, and a new purse, with a new wallet, personal essentials, etc. Everything was clean, and new, and fresh. I knew what was in each one of those bags. When I picked Hayley up at 5:30 am, I took her to my house to shower and dress for the trip. I dumped everything she had with her directly in to the garbage, and handed her the beginnings of her new life.
Hayley just told me that that day, on our way to Seattle, she ‘used’ one last time, in a bathroom stop about 30 miles from the airport. How was that possible? How did I not know? Why would she risk everything when there was so much at stake? My vision of her shooting up in the Starbuck’s bathroom stall, with mothers and young children going in and out, makes me sick – and is another harsh reminder of the power of addiction. If you think that love, or personal physical risk, or guilt, or virtually anything can compete with a craving and syringe, you’re woefully mistaken.
Although my daughter made good decisions and worked her recovery program while she was ‘home’, it was still difficult. As we drove past seemingly mundane locales – parking lots, motels, convenience/grocery stores, Hayley would comment and divulge creepy details of her drug life. It was both fascinating and repulsive. I won’t be able to look at/pass by those places in the same neutral way as before. They’ve now become contaminated.
If I was ever going to write a book, said Hayley, I’d call it, “Waiting For Bill”. The last few months I was always dope sick, changing locations frequently, and waiting for Bill to bring me something – to ‘get me well’. Bill was Hayley’s “boyfriend”/dope dealer. He was in his mid/late 40’s, fat, in poor health, and facing years in prison. According to Hayley, he did have a heart, of sorts – when he wasn’t verbally/physically abusing her and other vulnerable parasites in their circle. Apparently, he ‘supported’ quite a few addicts.
When Hayley talked about “. . . waiting for Bill . . . “, you know what immediately came to my mind? Bill Wilson, 
founder of Alcoholics Anonymous – a very different Bill, although both Bills suffered from the disease of addiction. Since Hayley has so positively responded to AA’s 12 step recovery program, I’m thinking that Waiting For Bill is the perfect title for a book about Hayley’s recovery. She was, in fact, waiting for Bill Wilson to lead her down the path of sobriety. 
Javier, the Bail Bondsman: My New Best Friend
Hayley arrived from California on schedule Thursday evening. I was still amazed she could pass through airport security without current photo ID, but there she was. On the next day, Friday, she would finally make her court appearance for a probation violation arrest almost a year ago. She had been advised by her court appointed attorney that she would most likely have to spend 2 – 3 days in jail. She was ready for this, she said.
On the way home from the airport, we stopped by Hayley’s former neighbors – a large, loving Hispanic family who had witnessed Hayley’s decline in to addiction, but loved her in spite of it all. The mother, Lucia, has called me once a month or so to check in on Hayley’s status and progress. They were so pleased to see Hayley in recovery and healthy. There were hugs and tears and lots of laughter. This family had worked together for over a week to make Halloween costumes for everyone in their extended family, including old grandma, for their blow-out Halloween party the next evening. It was also Lucia’s 50th birthday, so the party was going to be a huge event. Their spirit of fun and family was inspiring – and so uplifting. They made our day and, I guess, we made theirs.
Hayley said she wanted to go out to dinner – to our city’s finest restaurant, owned by a close friend of mine. I was a bit hesitant – – – how would she do around alcohol and/or running in to old family friends? After chatting about this, we gussied up and forged ahead. We ended up sitting in the more ‘happen’in’, lively bar area – yet, Hayley seemed unfazed by all the alcohol around her. She talked openly about it. “I’ve worked too hard to stay sober for almost 6 months to be even slightly tempted”, she said. The thought of relapsing, with any substance, was simply out of the question, she insisted. “I just don’t have the time to start over again”, she said. We saw quite a few old family friends who knew about Hayley and the bare essentials of her story. She looked gorgeous and seemed pleased and proud that these people could now see her clean and sober. It was a personal triumph, of sorts.
I learned that Hayley had not heard from her Probation Officer, Freida, prior to leaving California. More accurately, I think, was that Hayley had just started trying to reach her PO on Wednesday or so. She called and emailed Freida all day Thursday, with no response. And so, on Friday morning, I routed Hayley out of bed and told her I thought we should go down to the Probation Office to try to track down Freida before Hayley’s court hearing at 1:30 pm. We did just that – and Freida was there, with no clients in her office. Why Freida did not return Hayley’s (or my) phone calls and emails, I do not know. This pattern of unresponsiveness has been frustrating and difficult to deal with.
Nevertheless, Freida was happy to see Hayley who is, apparently, one of her few success stories. Freida noted in her file that Hayley had checked in with her, and we were on our way. Our next stop was at Javier’s, the bail bondsman. I had signed a $3,000 promissory note back in May in order to take Hayley to treatment in California. Therefore, I had a vested interest in staying in contact with Javier and letting him know that Hayley was in town to take care of her probation violation charge. Javier was also thrilled to see Hayley. Last May, he had talked at length with me about how unusual it was to have a client like Hayley – well educated, beautiful, from a ‘good’ family. He had repeatedly asked Hayley after her arrest, “What are you doing? Why are you living this life?” We filled Javier in on Hayley’s court hearing that afternoon and potential jail sentence. Javier responded with: “Be sure to tell your attorney that you should receive credit for one day already served – that the day you were arrested a year ago counts as one day in jail.” Wow! What a little pearl that turned out to be. Hayley’s attorney had never brought up this important piece of information. Yeah – next time, we’ll go to Javier first – it would save a lot of time and angst. 
I then dropped Hayley off at her court-appointed attorney’s office. She was able to track down ‘Lisa’, and chat with her in person for a few minutes. “See you in court”, Lisa said, as Hayley was leaving.
We went to lunch, and then on to the courthouse. I was very anxious. Hayley seemed calm and resigned to spending a couple of days in jail. She had given me all her jewelry and her purse, and just carried in a Ziploc bag with her medications. We sat in the courtroom as it filled with all of the other “delinquents”. As 1:30 pm approached, we noticed that a different attorney sat down in the public defender’s chair. Where was Lisa, who had just met with Hayley and had all her paperwork? The attorney looked behind him, saw Hayley, and got up to approach her. “Didn’t I see you in our office this morning?” he said. Uh, yeah. “I’m working on something”, he assured us. And then, a different Prosecuting Attorney showed up – not the one to whom Hayley had sent a letter, testifying to her current life, recovery program, and commitment to sobriety. Is the legal system totally arbitrary, random, a throw-of-the-dice? Yes, I guess it is. “I’m just going to say a little prayer”, whispered Hayley. And she did. And so did I.
When Hayley’s name was called, she sat down next to the young attorney with whom she had never spoken to about her case and who had little, if any, knowledge or details of her case. All the leg work and proactive measures I had taken over the last few weeks, were for naught. I saw Hayley whisper to the attorney about the one day already served. And then, the Judge addressed the attorney and Hayley. “It’s good that Ms, XXXX has finally been able to appear in this court. Her mother has been here in the past on her behalf, and I was getting impatient. Mr. Owen, what do you have for us.” “Your Honor”, the attorney responded. “My client has accepted the prosecution’s offer of one day in jail for probation violation charges. But if I may interject, she has indicated that she already has served one day in jail. Would you please check the records regarding this?” And then, the Judge spent a very loooonnnng 5 minutes, looking through my daughter’s thick file, and announced, ” Client sentenced to one day in jail, one day in jail already served, case dismissed.” 
We were shocked – and elated – and a little numb. Outside, Hayley chuckled, “Guess you’re stuck with me for a few days, Mom.”
Yikes – I hadn’t planned on this eventuality. But actually, the next 4 days were probably the best I’ve spent with my daughter in many years. I was pleasantly surprised by Hayley’s good choices and how she worked her program. She went to an NA and an AA meeting with childhood friends now in recovery, went to the gym to work out, watched movies and beaded, was generally helpful and picked up after herself. But the absolute zenith of the entire weekend – and of the last few years, was when Hayley surprised me by showing up at my Al-Anon meeting. When it came time for her to speak, she eloquently and tearfully thanked the group for giving me so much comfort and support over the years. I have never been so touched, or proud, or grateful.
Once again, when it came time for Hayley to leave, on Tuesday morning, we were both ready. It had been difficult on Hayley to be here – and on me, as well. When we drove past certain locations in our town, Hayley would comment and reveal details of her sordid life as a drug addict. It was shocking, and sad, and hard to hear. Yet, our time together had been like salve on an open wound. My hope for Hayley’s continued recovery and sobriety, was strengthened.
The $3,000 bail bond was exonerated and Hayley closed one significant chapter from her past. I can now really let her go, to get on with her life as she chooses. This is both liberating, and terrifying. But I think we’re both ready for this important step. I know I am.
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 11 so far )In Case You Have Some Time . . .
I’ll be on a personal/family business trip to upstate New York for a week, and mostly likely will not be posting or checking in with my blog friends. The day after I arrive home, Hayley arrives from California to appear in court on her probation violation charges. She most likely will need to spend 2 – 3 days in jail – and it scares the sh*t out of me. Although she says she is strong, and sober, and can handle this challenge, I worry for her emotional and physical safety. Some of you have blogged about your son/daughter spending time in jail – and I’ve admired your strength and courage, as supportive, yet anxious, loving parents. Thank you for sharing your experiences – I don’t feel so alone.
In the meantime, here are a few books, DVDs, TV interviews to check out. They all pertain to addiction, and I found each one fascinating and worth my time.
Video: Finding Normal: A thoroughly engrossing, hard-hitting humane look at addicts in a treatment center. This compelling documentary about a group of Portland drug addicts and their rehab counselors trying day-by-day to keep themselves clean, sober and together, is raw and real and filled with undeniable moments of pain, joy, transformation, and hope. This masterful cinema-verité film making is an eye-opening example of the power of simply watching and listening. Filmed at Central City Concern in Portland, OR , and featuring CCC’s compassionate, effective Recovery Mentor Program.
Books: 
Even the Dogs by British writer, Jon McGregor’s third novel, continues his experiments with the devices of fiction. The book is narrated by a group of urban ghosts, victims of drug overdoses who look on as someone they know, Robert Radcliffe, is found dead in his shabby apartment. Other friends, family members and acquaintances, most of whom were part of Robert’s life, come in and out of focus as they move around the city looking for their next fixes and, along with the police and investigators, respond to Robert’s death.
As a novel about the consequences of addiction — particularly heroin addiction — “Even the Dogs” is harrowing. It details the physical, psychological, social and environmental damage, and portrays the all-consuming nature of the life: “Always working and watching and chasing around for a bag of that. Jesus – the man-hours that go into living like this, takes some dedication.”
Book: Women Food and God: An Unexpected Path to Almost Everything, by Geneen Roth
Although I haven’t read this book, a good friend of mine, who has a daughter with an eating disorder, called me to recommend it. She said that although the focus of the book was food addiction, the author has a lot of valuable insight regarding addiction, in general.
Here are a few highlights from the book that seemed especially pertinent: With any addiction, there is a loss of connection and source to our self; addiction fills a nameless yearning; we often fill ‘God space’ with ‘To Do’ lists. One recovering addict said: “There was no real hole in my soul. I always had what I needed within me.” Addiction is an opportunity to open a door to examine the self, to think of our self in a new way; an invitation to look at our self differently. One addict said (as well as my daughter)a; “My addiction was a gift – it opened a door for me.”
There is definitely a spiritual dimension to recovery. Roth says she isn’t talking about God in the religious sense. Instead, she’s talking about what she calls the source. “We each have this longing—we’ve had moments of awe and wonder in our lives. A lot of us don’t call that God, but we know that something is possible for every one of us besides our daily lives, the daily grind. The way we get caught with errands and emails and taking care of other people. We feel that this possibility exists,” Roth says. “I’m talking about wonder and mystery and possibility … or the feeling you have in nature. The feeling that everything is possible.”
Oprah says that in reading Women, Food, and God, she has learned that a woman’s relationship with food is directly related to how close she is to the source. “That’s really what this book is about,” she says. “The issue isn’t really the food. It is about your disconnection from that which is real which we call God.”
“Obsession gives you something to do besides have your heart shattered by heart-shattering events,” Roth writes.
TV: CNN – Larry King Live: Secrets of the Brain Revealed, Saturday, October 9, 2010
The Power of the Brain! Does the brain have a mind of its own? It might explain why we say – and do – things we know we shouldn’t.
Experts tell us how to ‘think’ our way out of addiction, overeating and more!
I caught most of this broadcast on October 9, 2010, but I believe it originally aired on September 16, 2010. This was a fascinating program and panel discussion about the brain and how it works. A lot of time was spent discussing addictive behavior and the latest brain research. Drug addicts use drugs because they work – – – they make them feel better for a while. But then, addiction sets in, and the actual brain chemistry changes, the drug use interferes with ‘normal’ functioning and relationships, etc.
Panel members were: Dr. Drew Pinsky, Addiction Specialist; Cara Santa Maria, Neuroscience Researcher; Dr. George Martin, whose theories and research in neuroplasticity, talks about how the brain can rewire itself; that we can calm down the prefrontal cortex where OCD behaviors originate; and Dr. Daniel Amen, physician, child and adult psychiatrist, brain imaging specialist, and bestselling author. Dr. Amen commented that 28 day recovery programs are really a joke – are ineffective in dealing with changing addictive behavior. The chemistry of an addict’s brain is still toxic at six months. It takes a longer time for the addict to get really clear and ; the brain is the hardwire of the soul – – and it can be changed. Anti-seizure medications can help anxiety and depression. This possibility is so exciting – and hopeful. Cognitive Behavior Therapy, EMDR, hypnosis, and other treatments for addiction were discussed.
I could not find the actual video of this program online. However, the transcript on HOW THE BRAIN WORKS AND HOW TO CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOR is available. Let me know if you’re able to locate the full-length program online.
I’ll be back in a couple of weeks, to report on my daughter’s court proceedings and how things went. Adios!
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 7 so far )On The Road . . . Of Recovery
I just spent almost ten hours in the car with my daughter, Hayley. Our ‘Thelma & Louise’ trip provided a unique opportunity to talk – – – we both were a captive audience – – – and not having to make direct eye contact during honest, sometimes uncomfortable conversation, took a little of the pressure off. Our “Road Trip” took us a little further down the highway and around a few tortuous bends in the road.
I had decided to fly Hayley up from southern California to see my 93 year-old mother, her grandmother, before it was ‘too late’. My mom is failing, both physically and mentally, with increasing short-term memory loss and hasn’t seen Hayley for a year and a half. Hayley has been clean and sober now for 5 months, and there was an Alaska Airlines special that prompted me to make these plans. What started out as a ‘simple’, quick trip to spend a couple of days with family, turned in to a complicated, anxiety-ridden mess.
First of all, I wasn’t even sure that Hayley would be allowed past airport security and onto the plane with no current photo ID. Her Washington State driver’s license had not only expired, it had been suspended and her passport had also expired. I had strongly suggested to Hayley several months ago that she get a California state photo ID card; but, she didn’t do it – and seemed confident that she could pass security with expired ID. I was doubtful.
Then, the idea of Hayley arranging a special court appearance here, in our home town, (we were not originally going to be coming here) to clean up her probation violation charges, emerged. Rather last minute, she contacted the court appointed attorney’s office about this possibility, and hadn’t heard back from them before she left to fly up here. (I’m sure she didn’t factor in the heavy case loads that public defenders have – and didn’t leave enough time to make these arrangements.)
So – basically, I’ve been a wreck for the past few weeks – not knowing if Hayley could even get on the plane, and if she couldn’t, there could possibly be another ‘failure-to-appear’ in court. The potential consequences of such an ‘FTA’ would be the judge issuing a warrant for Hayley’s arrest, and me getting stuck with her $3,000 bail bond for which I had signed a promissory note last May when I was frantically trying to get her out of town and in to treatment.
But lo, and behold, there she was last Saturday, outside the baggage claim at the airport, waiting for me. (I guess TSA doesn’t care that much about current photo ID – who knew?)
She looked gorgeous – actually ‘put together’. She had on a new jacket I hadn’t seen before – and scarf, shoes, and pants I had bought her. Everything was clean and in good repair. This is in such contrast to the past few years, when Hayley’s appearance and personal hygiene spiraled down along with her addictive state of mind and sordid lifestyle.
I’m going to jump ahead – and summarize the next few days. Basically, we had wonderful conversations in the car together. Our ten hours of time on the road was some of the best discussion, disclosure, and verbal exchange we’ve ever had. Hayley was very forthcoming about her recovery and past addictive behavior/life. In fact, some of it was difficult to hear. However, my daughter seemed genuinely committed to her sobriety and recovery program – and was an eloquent spokesperson for AA and the 12 step program. And because I’ve been going to Al-Anon for the past 8 years, I understood the lingo and program philosophy – and could contribute what I’d learned in Al-Anon. This was comforting to Hayley, she said – – – that I seemed to ‘get it’.
Our visit with Hayley’s older brother, Jake, and his family, was good, and we celebrated MY birthday while we were there. Jake harbors a lot of anger, resentment, and skepticism towards Hayley, I think – – and has difficulty being around her. Basically, he just doesn’t trust her – and had mentioned to me that he didn’t want me to leave Hayley alone with his two young children. I understood that. There has been a long history of distrust and bizarre behavior, on Hayley’s part. And Jake isn’t the best communicator. His naturally shy personality limits his ability to express himself in an intimate way. However – all in all, everyone got along – Jake and Hayley went to the gym together to work out, Hayley got to see Lucy (almost 6) and Luke (31/2), whom she hadn’t seen for a year and a half – and I kept myself sane by constantly chanting the first line of the Serenity Prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
Monday morning, Hayley still hadn’t heard from her attorney. I didn’t know whether to drive us to our hometown for a court hearing (2 1/2 hrs away) or to my mom’s (a different 2 1/2 hours away). Finally, as we were loading the car, the call came. The attorney said that if Hayley were to make a court appearance the next day in our home town, she would most likely be taken in to custody. We couldn’t risk that possibility, since we hadn’t yet been to see my mom – the main reason Hayley had flown up in the first place. The Prosecutor was only offering two ‘deals’: Hayley serve 2 days in jail, then continue her probation until April 2011; or, serve 20 days in jail and the probation would be terminated. We consulted an attorney friend, and decided that Hayley would fly up to our hometown at the end of the month for her already scheduled court hearing. At that point, she would be taken in to custody, and she would serve two days in jail. Hayley assured me that she could do this – – – that she would be fine, especially now that she was sober. But, aggghhh – – – it’s scary to contemplate. She will have almost 6 months of sobriety under her belt – yet still, will she be at risk for relapse – or to be beaten up in jail?
We then hit the road again and decided to drive the two hours to our hometown to pick up a few of Hayley’s things at my house. I picked up my mail, newspapers, Hayley sorted through some of her things at the house, and then I dropped her off for a pedicure/manicure while I ran a few errands. This activity may seem trivial and/unnecessary – but one of the most obvious outward signs of Hayley’s recovery and burgeoning serenity, are her hands and nails. For years, Hayley has nervously picked at her cuticles until they bled and were horrifically swollen – and, she also bit her nails down to the quick. Now, her nails are long and strong, her cuticles healed and healthy. It’s truly amazing. I wanted to treat Hayley to this nail spa indulgence – – – she had earned it, in my opinion – her healthy nails were a bit of a metaphor for where she was in her recovery – – – and life.
I picked up Hayley an hour later – and she said she was meeting her ex-boyfriend, Dave, in the parking lot – to say hello – and goodbye. HUH? You see, Dave is married. Why did Hayley call him? This was disturbing to me and resonated of old manipulative behavior. I gave her ten minutes with Dave, then told her I was hitting the road – we needed to drive another two hours to my mom’s. When Hayley got in the car, I was relieved – and pissed. And then, we had another two hours in the car together. I tried not to lecture or quiz her too much. But I did let her know that I thought her call to Dave was inappropriate and selfish. She commented that their meeting was more difficult for Dave than it was for herself. So, why would she stir up that pot?
Our visit with my mom was emotional, yet productive. At a two hour dinner that night with my mom, Hayley patiently explained details of her addictive personality, recovery program, and dreams for her future. She was articulate, eloquent, and passionate. I kept pinching myself. I truly believed that Hayley believed what she was saying – – – and I was in awe. Yes, the power of addiction is incredible – but so can be the thrill, force, and intensity of recovery. I watched, as my 93 year old mother’s chin quivered and her eyes filled with tears. It became apparent that my daughter’s addiction and powerlessness over drugs paralleled her own mother’s disease of alcoholism. However, back in the 1930s, there was no help, or support – only shame, and guilt, and helplessness. My mother’s entire life was shaped by being the child of an alcoholic. And even though she and my father rarely drank, themselves, I’ve also been immeasurably affected by this family disease – – – in so many ways.
Hayley and I spent another three hours in the car, back to SeaTac Airport. “I’m anxious to get back to ‘my girls'”, she said. We had had a lovely visit, but we were both ready for her to leave. She still has plenty of work to do – and miles to travel on her road to recovery – as do I. I noticed some eating disorder behavior – and a variety of compulsive behaviors that worried me. I realized that many of Hayley’s personality ‘quirks’ are hers – are who she is – are not necessarily the result of substance abuse. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
I just made flight arrangements for Hayley to fly back up here at the end of the month. She’ll spend two days in jail – and then fly back to her sober living community in southern California. As Willie Nelson would croon . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . On the Road Again . . .
Intersection
Trying to figure out why Monday, April 26, 2010, was my’ busiest’ blog view day – 565 views. I had just posted “Take A Seat”, referencing Kristina Wandzilak‘s blog, The Kristina Chronicles, and the support that Al-Anon and AA provide. And during that time, I was at my most frantic – desperately trying to save my daughter’s life by orchestrating what seemed like an impossible intervention plan to get her into rehab. I’m just curious – why so many hits that day? Were other people as hopeless as I was then? Or, was it simply cosmic convergence? There is no answer, of course. I’m just wondering.
Full Plate
I’ve been MIA from the blogging world for the last few weeks – busy with finishing up my house remodeling project, other necessary house repairs/expenses that sprang up as a result, spending time with my grandchildren and 93 yo mother, community projects (author Patti Digh, of 37days blog and Life is a Verb fame, is coming here in November for a Hospice fundraiser, and I’m in charge!), trying to find a home for my beloved golden retriever, Abby (due to a dog-biting incident with my neighbor’s dog), dealing with constant problems with my new car that appears to be a “lemon”, yadyadayada. My plate is full. I’m barely able to keep up with my own life, let alone worry about/monitor my daughter in recovery. I guess that’s good. But if she lets things “fall through the cracks”, she’ll go to jail.
As most of you know, my heroin addict daughter, Hayley, has been in California since May 8th: in medical detox for 12 days, then a patient at a 90 day residential treatment center for women (Safe Harbor). For the first couple of months, she didn’t have a phone or computer and wrote a lot of letters and notes – to me, other family members, and any one who wrote her. She received a ton of mail from all sorts of people, cheering her on. It really made her feel loved and supported. But now, most communication has dropped off. Hayley has now been sober now for 135 days – that’s 4 ½ months. However, she doesn’t call or write much anymore, and I find myself reverting back to my familiar ‘expect-the-worst’ mode. It’s a bad habit, but is what I know, and has been authentically built on hard evidence from the past. Hayley may just be busy working her program, making friends, going to meetings, going to the beach, and is snipping the tether. (Well – certainly NOT the financial tether. She still doesn’t have a job, and is being completely supported by her father. He is paying for her after-care treatment program, sober living rent and fees, and monthly expenses. Why should she get a job?) I really don’t know what’s up.
Sarcasm and cynicism aside: of course, Hayley still needs help – probably more than ever. I do think that her “post-treatment” out patient program is essential. She’s never learned or developed the skills necessary to live as an independent, productive adult. However, after getting sober and being the stellar student in her rehab program, I thought for sure she’d move on to the next logical step of getting a part time job and begin to manage her own life. I’m realizing, and trying to accept, that she is not doing that. My fear is that she’s depressed, overwhelmed, and/or somewhat aimless. She has never been willing to just “sing in the chorus” and gradually work her way up to the solo. She’s always wanted to start at the top, whether or not she had the experience or deserved it. “Entitlement” is the working term here. She appears to want a ‘career-building’ job with a good salary and benefits, or none at all. Both her sponsor and I feel that right now, she needs a ‘get well’, part time job with a low stress level, within walking/biking distance of her sober living house, and the flexibility to enable her to stay active in recovery as well as the time to gradually learn and practice time/money management skills. She’s posting her puffed up resume on Monster.com, and waiting for potential employers to call her. This just won’t work in this economy – – – and, the reality is, Hayley has no car or driver’s license, and really needs a job within her neighborhood or on the bus route.
Hayley has now been living in a sober living house for a month. She says she likes it and is getting along well with the 6 other women. However, the fact that she hasn’t found a job yet, makes me a bit suspicious. Is she ardently pounding the pavement to find employment? Will she be capable of holding a job as well as working her recovery program, at the same time?
I appeared in court for Hayley on August 27th to address her probation violation and failure-to-appear charges. I had spent way too much time making sure Hayley’s treatment center in California sent an official progress report to her Probation Officer and court-appointed attorney. I drafted a letter for Hayley to sign and send to her court-appointed attorney with important questions about and details of her case. AND, I told Hayley that I was now officially handing over the responsibility of her legal issues – – – that she was in charge of making all the phone calls and correspondence necessary to keep herself out of jail.
When I did go to court in August, neither the judge nor the prosecuting attorney had the letters in hand. Luckily, I had brought copies of the letters, but the judge was annoyed. He was ready to issue a warrant for Hayley’s arrest, when the Prosecuting Attorney piped up to say that that wasn’t really what they wanted – that they just wanted better communication. The PA said that Hayley’s Probation Officer was supposed to forward any treatment program reports to their office, which the PO, when questioned later, said that that wasn’t her responsibility. What’s the deal? What is the procedure? Please, just tell us, what goes to whom and when, and we’ll do it.
I’m realizing that Hayley still does not feel she has a personal stake in these legal proceedings, that she doesn’t have a good organizational system, and is not being as proactive as she needs to be – that if I had not appeared in court for her with copies of the treatment program’s progress report, the judge would have issued a warrant for Hayley’s arrest. I just recently acquired a sponsor in Al-Anon to help me work the 12 steps myself. She said, “Well – maybe Hayley needs to learn that lesson herself.” Really? Have her go to jail to learn that she needs to pay closer attention to the obscure details of how the convoluted court system works? And risk relapse? I’m not sure that I can let that happen. But then again, maybe I need to.
I’m flying Hayley up to Washington State on October 2nd. We’ll spend two nights with my son and his family, then go visit my mother for her 93rd birthday, about 3 hours away. My plan was to NOT go to our home town, at all. So now, here are the concerns that I need to try to let go of: Hayley does not have any current, government-issued photo ID. Will she even be able to pass security and get on the plane? I, of course, advised her to get a California photo ID card months ago. She didn’t do it, and has assured me that she can get on the plane with her xeroxed copy of her expired/suspended Washington Driver’s License. Huh! Are you kidding me? My Al-Anon sponsor also told me that maybe this is a lesson I need to learn – that I can’t make some one do anything. And so, if that worst-case scenario plays out, I’ll be the one to pay the consequences – I’ll be out $300, and my 93 yo mother may never get a chance to see her granddaughter again. (it’s been 1 ½ years since their last visit) That hardly seems fair.
OK, I know I’m a bit on a rant – so, I’ll let it all out. Why can’t my sober daughter give me a call once in a while, just to find out how I’m doing, and coping, or not? In the meantime, please pass the mashed potatoes – – – AND, gravy.
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Word Games
It was just a few months ago that the term, “Getting Well” took on a whole new meaning for me. My 31 yo heroin addict daughter, Hayley, was living in a crack house, ‘shooting up’ and smoking crack. Her lifestyle circumstances were desperate – and sordid – and frightening. I happened to speak to her on the phone one day, and she said she was ‘dope sick’ and needed to “get well”. In other words, she needed to find some heroin. What a euphemism. Webster’s New World Dictionary defines euphemism as: “the use of a word or phrase that is less expressive or direct but considered less distasteful, less offensive, etc. than another.” What an understatement.
Today, my daughter is “getting well”, in the more conventional context. She has just completed a 90-day drug treatment program and last Friday, moved in to a sober living house. This is, of course, the next logical step in her recovery – but, nevertheless, it scares me. The nurturing, safe, ‘scheduled’ environment of the treatment center has been replaced by a house of 7 recovering addicts, all trying to stay sober and move forward with their lives. 
Basically, each of them is on their own, with no schedule or formal program. They are monitored, somewhat, with random urine tests. And, I think there are general house rules and expectations. Ideally, they are all working their program and supporting each other. However, it’s a bit of a dice throw. Hayley needs to find a job, attend AA/NA meetings, work on getting her driver’s license restored, tend to some legal issues resulting from probation violation, deal with the thousands of dollars of debt she owes, figure out a way to get thousands of dollars of dental work done, monitor a chronic health issue, and on, and on, and on. Post treatment is when the real work of recovery begins – and the steady, meticulous effort to build a new life is daunting. I’m overwhelmed with all she faces – and am wondering how she’ll ever get a decent life back.
Hayley sounds strong and still very committed to the 12-step program. Yet – – – I worry about her ability to handle all that she faces. Today, I had to remind her to send a letter to her court-assigned attorney regarding her upcoming court date on Friday for probation violation. Should I have to do that? Shouldn’t staying out of jail be at the top of her priority list? How long will I have to ‘baby-sit’ her? What is appropriate at this point? Hayley needs to not only work at staying sober, but also learn and practice independent living skills. She does need help, in my opinion, but it’s a delicate balance. 
My worst fear, of course, is that Hayley will soon be overwhelmed with the details and demands of life – – – and then, . . .relapse. The professionals say that ‘relapse’ is a part of recovery. I know. However, when you’re a heroin addict, ‘relapse’ seems to have such dire consequences. And, there I go – jumping ahead and worrying about what hasn’t even happened yet.
I am so grateful for Hayley’s sobriety and hard work. I am trying to live “one-day-at-a-time”, as is she. But it’s very hard. And so – – – I think I need to take myself to an Al-Anon meeting and try to ‘get well’, myself.
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Helplessly hoping . . . 