My daughter, Hayley, has been in recovery from heroin/crack cocaine (and anything else she could get her hands on) addiction for a little over a year. As I recounted in my last blog post, One Year, she has come a very long way. It’s a bloody miracle. After a harrowing escape plan to extricate her from the crack house where she was living, she spent 12 days in a medical detox facility, 90+ days at a small residential women’s treatment center, then moved to one of their sober living houses close by. After about 5 months, she was encouraged and invited to move into an apartment with two other younger women in recovery, all ‘graduates’ of the Safe Harbor Treatment Center program. I visited her last month to celebrate her One Year of sobriety, and was impressed (or shall we say, ‘blown away’?) by what I saw. The apartment was well furnished (by her roommates), clean, orderly, and located in a very secure complex/compound with lovely grounds. Hayley had her own bedroom – had even bought a bed, dresser, and bedside table. She was working full time at the treatment center, but only earning $11.00/hour. She was proud of the fact that she had been able to ‘make it’ on her own, without asking either me or her dad for money. Yet, things are very tight, financially, and don’t allow for any extras – including medical/dental expenses, car repairs, random, unplanned-for expenses, etc.
And now, after just getting really settled and in to a routine, her two roommates are moving, and Hayley needs to find another place to live.
There are complicating factors: she can’t financially afford an apartment on her own (the family of one of her roommates has been ‘helping’ with their rent); her credit score/record is so miserable, she could never sign/co-sign a lease; and, she has a dog – a darling dog, mind you, who brings Hayley so much joy and affection – – – but, is also a liability.
Hayley has known this was coming for a month or so – and has been diligently looking for potential roommates. She has cycled through quite a few possibilities, with all of them falling through due to one reason or another. And with the deadline looming on June 25th, I’m getting nervous. She’s stressed, too. She called last week to give me a lengthy update on the roommate and apartment choices that were left. And the one she’s settled on, isn’t ideal, which she acknowledges; yet, she feels it will ‘do’ until next fall when her preferred roommate choice, Kristin, will be ready to move to an apartment.
Here’s the plan: Hayley met a very nice ‘older’ guy in her apartment complex who has a little dog with whom Hayley’s dog, Bear, likes to play. This ‘Guy’ (don’t even know his name), is moving to a 2 bedroom apartment within the same complex, and offered to rent Hayley the second bedroom. She figures that this will be a temporary arrangement, until she can find a more ideal and permanent situation. Hayley has seen his current apartment – and says it’s well appointed and clean/neat. The ‘Guy’ would love to have Hayley’s dog around on a regular basis for his dog to play with. Hayley has discussed preliminary details with the ‘Guy’ – letting him know she has a serious boyfriend, setting clear boundaries, discussing expectations, etc. There’s internet service there, but still, her rent will be a little more than what she’s now paying. The ‘Guy’ has a cleaning person every couple of weeks – so Hayley offered to do the cleaning, for a slight reduction in rent. (YIKES! Her ‘clean’ standards are very different from mine! Will she actually be able to do this? Sounds iffy, to me)
The ‘Guy’, is also asking for a $500 deposit to cement the deal. Hayley indicated she would need help with this, which has already created a dilemma for me regarding ‘enabling’.
•is this guy really a pervert who will try to take advantage of/hit on my daughter?
•does he have some weird habits/quirks that Hayley will find out about only after moving in?
•is he honest and a good person, and someone who is just trying to help out some one in need?
•is this guy in recovery, himself? Or, will there be alcohol, at the very least, around?
JUST WHAT IS THIS GUY’S STORY?
And why am I so suspicious? Hayley’s past history with choosing roommates hasn’t been especially stellar. She’s always been able to convincingly rationalize why she’s moving in with so-and-so – and almost always, it has proven to be a disaster.
And, to further complicate matters, this new apartment won’t be ready for move-in until July 15th, which means Hayley will have to pack up and store her things in a friend’s garage, and ‘couch surf’ at friends’ for three weeks.
Can any of this work? Of course, I have no control over any of it, and need to just let it all go. I did pose some questions to Hayley for her to consider – which she did not take offense to, and seemed to have already thought of them.
I do believe there is a difference in enabling addiction and enabling recovery. In fact, I prefer to use the term, supporting recovery. If I give Hayley the $500 for the room deposit, I’m sure I’ll never see it again. I would need to give it “for fun and for free”, to quote an Al-Anon slogan. I’m glad that she’s not just automatically moving in with her boyfriend, Rob. And – – – I guess anything is better than the crack house, right?