Baffled
Hayley arrives from California today – the second trip in a month that I’ve paid for.
She has a court hearing tomorrow at 1:30 pm to face probation violation charges stemming from a random arrest over a year ago when she was still a desperate heroin addict.
On October 2nd, I flew Hayley ‘home’ to Washington State to visit my mother on her 93rd birthday. It’s getting more difficult for my mom to get around and her short-term memory is failing. It had been over a year and a half since Mom had seen Hayley, and she was afraid she’d never see her again before she died. So, I took advantage of an airlines special and arranged for Hayley to see her grandmother. I’m glad I did. It was a good visit. However, it all became quite complicated and I was a bit of a wreck when it was all over. I love my daughter and am so grateful she’s in recovery. However, after four days, both she and I were very ready for her to go back to California.
When I dropped Hayley off at the Seattle airport, I told her that I wouldn’t be ‘helping’ her fly home again until she got some current government-issued photo ID. She assured me that she would – that she was planning on getting her California State driver’s license and that if she failed the test, she could at least get a photo ID.
Fast forward to today. She still hasn’t done what she promised me she’d do. On Tuesday, while flying from NY to the west coast, a woman ahead of me in the airport security line was denied clearance when she presented her expired driver’s license. I couldn’t help but report this to Hayley who responded with, “I don’t want to have to stand in line for 8 hours at the Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) to get a photo ID. It’s fine – they’ve always accepted my expired ID before – they just put you through extra inspection.” Huh? Why would she even take the chance? If some security agent decided NOT to let her through, it could mean a Failure To Appear charge in court tomorrow, which would really mess things up. I don’t understand this sense of entitlement or lack of accountability. Somehow, I thought when Hayley got sober, certain things would change. Guess I was wrong – about her, and also about me – here I am again, flying her home once more without current photo ID.
Hayley did tell me yesterday afternoon that she had just spent 6 hours at the DMV to apply for photo ID. She’s not working, but does go to AA/NA meetings, the beach, and to the gym. Glad she could fit this in to her busy schedule. Too bad she didn’t do it 3 weeks ago, because all she came out with was a piece of paper. It will take two weeks to process and mail her new photo ID. This makes me crazy.
I was on the east coast for over a week and before I left, I strongly recommended that Hayley contact her probation officer, her court-appointed attorney, and write a letter to the prosecutor, making a ‘case’ for herself prior to her court appearance on Friday. She only accomplished a portion of this. I wrote a sample letter for her, which I know I shouldn’t have done. I realize that I’m both enabling her AND wanting to quell my own anxiety. It’s a vicious cycle. But all this uncertainty and Hayley’s seemingly laissez-faire approach to what is now a criminal case, triggers me in to action. I have vowed that this is the last time. As soon as she finally appears in court and serves her few days in jail, the $3,000 bail bond for which I signed a promissory note will be exonerated and I can truly be hands-off. 
Hayley just called. She’s on the plane. She did speak to her attorney – – just this morning. How she pulls things off at the last minute, I don’t know. Maybe that’s why she was such a success as a drug addict.
Helplessly hoping . . . 
Peg… While it’s important to detach from the negative behaviors of the addict, I encourage you not to get too invested in the “inspiration” of her recovery, either. Whatever is happening, “positive” or “negative,” it’s her life and her responsibility.
You’d asked why on earth she’d take the chance with her expired ID. I don’t know Hayley, and I don’t know the history of your family, but I can speak from my own experience with my mother that the dynamics in the family are such that, at a certain point in our lives, I’d have kept my mother hanging just to let her hang, just to prove to her that I was in charge of my own life, even if I was going to screw up to make the point. Control is one of the underlying dynamics in the family disease of addiction.
I can understand your investment, particularly because you’ve signed this $3K note. Of course you want to protect your financial stability (and this experience may put you off signing another one!). I think after you’re done with that part of it, if she can’t get herself where she needs to be, write her own letters, and take care of bidness (as it were), then it’s on her. Commend her to the higher power she says she’s in touch with and keep the focus on yourself. much respect, –G
Guinevere
October 31, 2010
G – thanks for these thoughts and perspective. You’re right – the control dynamic/model has been passed down for generations in my family and is often very active in my own family. I’m hoping I can now really let Hayley be in charge of her own life, whatever that may look like. I’ve been inspired by my daughter to ‘officially’ work the 12 steps myself, with a sponsor. I think it may have happened on its own, after being in AlAnon for 8 years. The timing just felt right. Right now, my daughter’s higher power seems to be the AA program, although she does pray. She said a prayer to herself in court on Friday afternoon, as we were waiting for her case to come up.
Peggy
October 31, 2010
Procrastination……Is the ‘Community Chest’ card in Addicition Monopoly. Always putting off something, just to put it off. I understand your frustration. In the NA Text it talks about procrastination and apathy being 2 our our seemingly inherit enemies. It is a an open warning that we need to take care of our business or life will catch up with us and we have already dug a hole we may not climb out of all on our own accord.
Tell Hayley I said to put down the coppertone and pick up the book…..:)
Much Love…Bob
beyondtheendoftheroad
October 30, 2010
Peg,
This could have been written by me about Emily. To a “T”. Em could have had a scholarship for music classes. All she had to do was fill out the application, write a short essay. We learned this in our last therapy session with the last place Em attended. I said, ok, after this session, let’s sit down and do that. The therapist reminded me, she is an adult and if she wants it, she has to do it, not with me or the therapist standing over her shoulder to make sure it’s done.
So many things seemed like a no brainer to me. I wonder if it has to do with addiction or just general personality trait.. take away the drugs and some of the stuff is still the same.
I think this whole court thing will be a closure for both of you. And I can’t tell you how happy I am that Haley is working her program and so involved in recovering. What a great thing to focus on for today.
Hugs
Kelly
kelly
October 29, 2010
Thoughts are with you both. Keep working on yourself and she will keep working on herself. It is hard to let go. I know 🙂
Renee C.
October 29, 2010
Thanks for these good reminders, Lisa. Yes – – – I can see some progress with Hayley. We just went out to dinner, and she sooo eloquently talks about her program – and “her girls”. She finds so much support/comfort from her sober living roommates. I AM proud of her – and know that she’s not me – and doesn’t do things the way I would do them. My anxiety is relieved a bit, just having picked Hayley up at the airport and spending time with her. She seems strong – and sooo committed to her recovery program. She’s an inspiration to me.
peglud
October 28, 2010
When my son first got clean, I thought “now he will be the young man I taught him and raised him to be.” I had myself convinced that the drugs were like a blanket thrown over the top of him and by removing the blanket he would be “back to normal.” Then I learned that wasn’t what happened. While addicted he stopped maturing, stopped learning and “flew by the seat of his pants.” I’ve found the best that I can expect from Bryan is “baby steps” towards maturity and believe it or not, progress is being made. Maybe that will be helpful for you to deal with Hayley…expect baby steps and then you won’t be so frustrated at her approach if it is aligned with your expectations. Remember to take care of yourself during this time…there is still a lot for both of you to learn.
Lisa C
October 28, 2010
It’s your turn to take the laissez faire approach toward Hayley. Literally though, let her go (and do).
Helga
October 28, 2010
Please know that I am with you today and in the days to come, Peg, as you navigate the process of non-attachment to Hayley, work the steps and work toward serenity. I applaud your courage in sharing everything so honestly on your blog, Peg. This is all so arduos – for you and for Hayley. As we are so used to hearing (but maybe not really believing) you have to do this, but you don’t have to do it alone. Phone calls, meetings, literature, step work – let’s do it!
Donna
October 28, 2010