Square One Plus A Millimeter

Posted on February 26, 2010. Filed under: Parent of an Addict | Tags: , , , , , |

Tuesday afternoon I was shocked to receive a phone call from Hayley.  I was driving at the time, and couldn’t see from what number she was calling.  It was ~ 1:30 pm, and she sounded a bit groggy.  She said that she had just read the newspaper, and saw that there was a home intrusion and assault incident right next door to me.  She was concerned, and wanted to ‘check in’.

I was initially confused when I heard Hayley’s voice.  The last I had heard, she had been kicked out of her most recent living situation by the older man she was living with, and was back at the crack house.  (see post “Back to Square One”. )  When Eric and I tried to deliver a Valentine’s bag to her a couple of weeks ago, the ‘old guy’ Hayley had been living with said she wasn’t there, that he had kicked her out, and that she had ‘trashed’ his house.  He said she was back at the crack house (Bill’s, her drug dealer)  We then went to the crack house and Eric gave Hayley the Valentine’s bag.  At that point, I felt very foolish – jeez – – – delivering a Valentine’s bag to my heroin addict daughter at the crack house?  How pitiful.  Plus, it occurred to me, after the fact, that she could get beat up for such a gesture.

When Hayley called me on Tuesday, I asked her if she had her cell phone back.  She said no, that she was calling from the land line.  Oh, I said – you mean you’re back at Washington and 16th?  She said yes.  I responded with, “The old guy said he had kicked you out because you had ‘trashed’ his place.”  Her response was somewhat vague – but the essence was that she had just been over at Bill’s ‘visiting’ when Eric and I had stopped at the ‘old guy’s’ house with the Valentine’s bag.

So – one millimeter forward in that she’s not living at the crack house.

However – – – on Monday, when my neighbor was assaulted by some Hispanic guy that had kicked in her door and then assaulted her when she confronted him – – – I was questioned by the police as to whether or not I had noticed/heard anything.  There were 5 cop cars, an ambulance, and a fire truck at my neighbor’s house – at 10:15 in the morning.  I must admit, it did occur to me that perhaps, one of Hayley’s druggie ‘friends’ had kicked in the wrong door.

I recognized one of the policemen, who had been the kids’ high school campus police officer for several years.  “Joe” recognized me, as well.  When I mentioned that my daughter was a drug addict, he asked what her name was.  I was hesitant to tell him – but he said, “I know your daughter.”  Because Hayley and I look so much alike, he had put it all together.  I asked him about Hayley’s arrest last fall, and he told me that she had been arrested on an assault charge.  I was shocked at this news – I had assumed that she had been arrested in some type of minor traffic stop while she was riding with someone.  (since there’s a warrant out for her arrest for violating probation, the police would have run a search on their computer and discovered this info)  I didn’t quite follow the entire story, but the essence is that last fall, someone had filed an assault charge against Hayley, and she was arrested.  Then, Bill, her drug dealer (and paramour?) had gotten pissed at the person who filed the charge, and had threatened that person for filing the charge against Hayley, with loaded guns in tow. The police were called and they ultimately raided Bill’s house and removed all the guns. SHIT – this is big time stuff.  Hayley was quickly bailed out of jail by someone – most likely Bill.

“Joe”, the police officer, knew all about the crack house and the Zero brothers, whom Hayley lived with prior to moving to the ‘old guy’s’ house (yes, the 2 guys Hayley lived with prior to the ‘old guy’ were cocaine dealers name, “Zero”.  How appropro.) Joe said that the crack house is a filthy, miserable scene, with porno on the TV 24/7, lots of drug traffic in and out, etc.  When I reported the news to Eric, my ‘mole’ in the drug world, that Hayley was not, in fact, living at the crack house, he said that most likely Bill is ‘paying’ for Hayley to live at the ‘old guy’s’ house – and, of course, it’s not in dollars.

Great – – – she’s not living at the crack house – is living at the ‘old guys’ house – but, at what ‘cost’?  It’s a knife in my heart.

At least Hayley is reading the newspaper – that’s something, isn’t it? This is tough stuff, and Hayley’s situation feels so hopeless.  How could she possibly ever care enough about herself to change her life?  I just can’t imagine it.  However – I do believe in some kind of random ‘cosmic convergence’, which I have personally experienced, and can only hope and pray and believe that the same sort of miracle is possible for Hayley.

She read the newspaper, was concerned about me, is living at a better, safer place than the crack house – – – I’ll hold on to those things for now.


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21 Responses to “Square One Plus A Millimeter”

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I am praying for Hayley and you. This is such a tough thing to have a child that you love and cannot help. I hope and pray she realizes that there is something better out there for her real soon.

I continue to pray for you and for Hayley. As I read this I just shake my head in disbelief. I feel for you so much.
Sending love & huggs your way and continued prayer.

Hey Peg,
Sending love your way from Mexico. Sometimes a door can be a window.

Isn’t it weird how sometimes the daughter you remember surfaces, only to be swallowed up by the addiction again? Yesterday after my daughter and I spent the afternoon together, she hugged me, told me she loved me, and then called me an hour later “to make sure you got home okay, Mom”. She is thought to have walked out the door immediately after that call, leaving the sober home, and is now loaded and with Boyfriend and on a good run. I too wonder why she doesn’t care more about herself. But yes, we must hold on to the positives and hope and pray. I really am praying for a God-thing right now for my daughter – and re-arrest would fit the bill JUST FINE! I’m praying for you and Hayley tonight.

Good comment about our ‘real’ daughter appearing every now and then, and then being swallowed up again by her addiction. So true. Last summer, when I first learned my daughter was living in a crack house, I tried to have her arrested (as a last resort to ‘saving’ her), but couldn’t do it. At that point, my daughter was ‘only’ violating probation (misdemeanor charge), and the police didn’t have the time or staff to go out looking for her. I’m not sure what the current legal situation is. I heard from a police officer last Monday that Hayley had been arrested on an assault charge last fall – was bailed out within a few hours. I could follow up on that info and track it down – don’t know if I want to or what good it would do. Anyway – yes, a God-thing would be good right now. Thanks for your prayers.

Hi again! Still praying for a God-Thing that just stuns our girls into clarity! I did call her Probation officer and left a message regarding her AWOL status from the sober home. Hopefully a warrant will be issued Monday! I honestly think and feel that no matter how awful prison is, it will take something that extreme to wake my daughter up. I pray that she gets that option (something awful like prison) instead of death. I honestly want to tell the next judge – please make it last longer and be harder this time. And every time. Until she equates using with consequences so awful she will not go there…. that makes sense to me, but maybe my daughter’s mind doesn’t work that way? Oh, and, my name is Joy. 🙂

Joy – ditto, ditto, ditto. I, too, think it will take something extreme to jolt my daughter in to beginning steps towards recovery. Jail seems the safest option, to me. I have a crazy weekend – hope to spend more time here and your blog in a few days. Best, Peggy

Dear, dear Peg. I am sorry that things are so dismal right now. Isn’t it just the most miserable part of cell phones that we often get traumatic phone calls in the worst times and places. Just so hard to deal with. I have wondered about where the assault happened, not being sure if it was exactly your neighborhood. I’m very sorry that this violence was (literally) so close to home. It seems like there’s so much of that recently – very frightening to me.
I hope you get some respite this weekend, although I know that the other person in your life, with whom you will be dealing, isn’t easy either. Are you using Alanon literature? Does it help at all?
I have you tucked away in a safe place in my heart – I hope you can feel the warmth.

I love the name of your blog it was one of my favorite songs ever by CSN&Y. I think of you often…I know that probably sounds strange. I pray for that miracle for you. I am so sorry that things are bad right now.

Thanks for your comment. My “Helpless Hoping . . . “ blog title was not very well thought out. My youngest son, Brian, was home for a few days and helped me set the blog up last September. Whenever he’s home, I bombard him with things I need help with – and he only had about 30 minutes to get me up and going on the blog before hopping on a plane back to California. When he asked me for a title for my blog, I felt put on the spot, and couldn’t think of one – – – but had just listened to this favorite song of mine from CSNY. So – – – that was the quick answer – and I guess, it will have to do for now. So, thanks for commenting about it – – – it was really great to hear.

What I have learned about myself is that I often “project” about my son’s situation. If he doesn’t call, it probably means X, if he does call, it probably means Y. The truth is, it doesn’t mean anything except he called or he didn’t. And when I would think about how he was living, I thought about it in terms of how I would feel in that situation. Well the truth is, under the influence of drugs, he felt differently. As long as she is alive there is hope and you SHOULD CONTINUE to find the small positives and hold on to them. You are in my prayers.

Lisa – I loved this comment, because I could relate to it so well. I am guilty of projecting my own anxietym especially in regards to my heroin addict daughter, and jumping way ahead to the worst scenario. It’s a coping mechanism for me – a means of self protection. If I anticipate the worst, I can somehow be prepared if it happens. If it doesn’t happen (which is often the case), then it’s all “up” from there. However, I do realize that this is not a happy or very satisfying way to live my life – and I’m trying to work on modifying this “1/2 empty” habit of mine. Your comments are always helpful – thanks for your time and support.

Maybe she reads the newspaper..or maybe she knew what happened and was feeling you out for information.

I would not put money on it either way.

I’ve become skeptical and cynical enough to wonder if Hayley called me to indirectly let me know that she, herself, didn’t have anything to do with the break-in next door. She knows how I think.

I’m so sorry. I dont think its skepticism. I think you are probably right. The intuition I was referring to is there.
I am with you on the faith and hope front…there are good days and bad days and today its raining. Tomorrow may be bright and sunny x

It all sounds so heavy and I am sorry you have to experience this. I appreciate that you found the positive and are managing to keep focus on those things, there is always hope as long as they are alive. I will keep you both in my prayers, sending light your way.

Its so hard to have come to terms with a certain reality to then have to completly re-adress it when the ‘truth’ comes out. Being related to a heroin addict really makes one have to believe in ones instinct. ‘Trust your gut’ is my new motto. You still have faith, hope and belief in her and that counts for so much. And Im sure she feels it too.
Im so sorry for your pain.

The truth is, I’m afraid, that I’ve lost almost all hope and faith in my daughter. I don’t know who she is. And, I often don’t trust my ‘gut’ – – – I can catastrophize and obsess to the point that I don’t know what I truly “feel”, and what makes sense. It’s raining hard today – – – hope the sun will come back out.

You have to hold on to those two things, I really believe it helps to see that the real Hayley is still inside of the one taken over by drugs. She read the paper, she was concerned, she picked up the phone to call you, she was relieved that you were okay. (How scary though to have that happen next door)

I’m so sorry about what you’re going through. I’m here for you, so are others.

I am here for you. So are a lot of other people. Where there is life there is hope. That’s where I am too.

she is spiraling. that sucks. I’m sorry.

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