Letter to Hayley

Posted on January 7, 2010. Filed under: Addiction Resources/Support, Parent of an Addict | Tags: , , |

Thanks for all your comments regarding my last post.  As a result, I thought I would post the letter I just sent off to Hayley today.  I probably should have run this letter past a few close friends and family members to get some input on my ‘tone’.  I’m not always a good judge of that.  I sent a copy of this letter off to Brian for comment, but hadn’t heard back from him and was feeling some urgency in getting the letter in the mail.  So, here it is.

Dear Hayley,

Just a quick note to make contact.  Brian tried to reach you during the last 2 weeks with no success.  He texted your phone and the 2 phone #s of your ‘roomies’.  He also tried to call you a couple of nights ago and someone answered one of the phone #s.  The guy sounded ‘out of it’ and said you were unavailable.  Naturally, we are concerned, and want to know that you’re alive and capable of responding.

Please know that I/we have not given up on you.  We love you and hope and pray for you every minute of every day.  Don’t give up on yourself.  Try to love yourself enough to believe that you have something of value to give to the world and that you can have a better life than what you’re living now.  It doesn’t matter what has happened in the past.  Let it go.  Start from today.

In case you have lost your phone, here is Mike XXXX’s phone # at Dependency Health Services.  He will talk with you confidentially and help you, if you want help.  248-xxxx.  Just talking with Mike can’t hurt – you don’t have to commit to anything.

Hayley – I need to know that you’re alive.  Please text or phone me.  I’d rather not get the police involved, if possible.  But, if you don’t respond, I’ll wonder if you’re in need of medical attention, or even alive.

You are loved, in spite of what you’ve done or have not done.  There is hope.  I hear stories every day of miraculous recoveries.  I believe in you – I will always be your mom.


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9 Responses to “Letter to Hayley”

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The letter demonstrates love and caring; but her response will demonstrate where she is. Active addiction skews the response from what would be considered a normal healthy response. We all know that.

Mostly I hope it made you feel better to write it and send it; and now you have to prepare for an answer you don’t want to hear, or no answer at all. However, I will pray that you get the answer that will ease your heart, mind and soul.

One of the most difficult things we deal with our expectations. At some point we believe it is healthier not to have them, because when we have them we are often disappointed when nothing comes close to our expectations. Be strong and you and Hayley are in my prayers.

Lisa – your comment is comforting and has helped me a lot. It did help to write the letter to Hayley. As I’ve mentioned before, I can get consumed by guilt that I’m not doing enough for my daughter – that she doesn’t really FEEL my love. However, I do have very few, if any, expectations regarding a response. Is there a point, however, when I call the police – or knock on the door of where I think she is? I don’t necessarily trust my gut/intuition on this subject.

“I can get consumed by guilt that I’m not doing enough for my daughter – that she doesn’t really FEEL my love.”

She knows, deep inside. Junkies only worry about one thing, getting, using and then getting again.

“Is there a point, however, when I call the police – or knock on the door of where I think she is?”…I wouldn’t. she will only add it to the list of things she holds against you. Additionally, it could put her more at risk, from her ‘roomies’. Further, to get her arrested might ease your mind, but truthfully, arrests don’t stick all that much, many cops don’t arrest junkies, they simply interrogate them to find out the dealers and then let them go.

Truthfully, there is just nothing you can realistically do. That’s sad, but true.

I’m sorry.

To Peg and “Heather’s Mom”:
I know your letter was from your heart, Peg. Whether Hayley responds or not, it seems a good thing for both of you that you said what you wanted to say.
I went to your blog, “Heather’s Mom” and found it wonderful. I watched the video “A More Beautiful You” and immediately wanted my daughter, who has an eating disorder to see it. But, I’m sure she would take it as a lecture. I have to be so careful what I say and how. It’s been ten years. Things are not bad right now. They may get worse. They may not get any better. I never know quite what to do. To most of the world, she looks fine, but she’s not. This video is wonderful. Thanks for sharing it.

Donna – you and I are so much alike in this respect – – – of not wanting to believe that things are “OK” from surface signs. This is where it gets tricky. Should we listen to our intuition – or is our ‘intuition’ our distorted skepticism and 1/2 empty perspective? In some ways, worrying about our child and expecting something horrible to happen, is as painful and anxiety driven as truly knowing they’re messed up and having them actually “cross over” to the ‘dark side’. In some ways, we are tuned in to and hypersensitive to our daughters’ moods, motives, and psyche. In other ways, we just can’t let go and believe that they are responsible for their own life and story. I understand and feel your anxiety – waiting for the other shoe to drop. Some of your fear is evidence-based. Some is our tendency to catastrophize. Just know that you are not alone in these feelings.

Since I read your last post last night, you have been on my mind like crazy and I have been praying for you and Hayley.
Your letter was beautiful and spoke from the heart. Unfortunately, I don’t think it is going to get her to reach out and get help, BUT at least I think she will hear that you love her. I think knowing she is still loved has to be important.

as much as I totally understand how you feel, I think the letter will just alienate her more.

If you send another, make it more like this.

Hey !! I miss you, how about meeting for dinner somewhere so I can hug you and spend a couple of hours with my baby girl!!

Love Mom. Call me anytime sweetie.

Junkies hate being preached to or warned. It is the single most alienating thing you can do.

If you are serious about involving the police, I’d like to make a suggestion. I don’t know what the weather is like where you live, but here in the South, it’s pretty darn cold. If the weather is similar where you are, you could call the police in the city or county where she lives, give them the address and ask them to do a “well check”, because you have not heard from her and you are concerned because due to the weather, etc. she might be in danger. (They will call you back and let you know what they found). I don’t know if it’ll work, but you need to be aware that she might resent you for it. The last thing drug addicts want, is to see the police.
Hang in there and good luck

Its a good letter from the heart and you said what you needed and wanted to say in a concise and honest way. I hope she gets it and responds. Keep taking care of you.

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