Perverse Relief

Posted on October 17, 2009. Filed under: Parent of an Addict | Tags: , |

There is a strange sort of perverse relief in knowing that my daughter is holed up somewhere, using heroin and keeping to herself.  She’s living with two guys who, I assume, are drug dealers.  I can make myself crazy speculating about how she supports her habit, her risk for infection and overdose, her desperate, guilt-ridden state of mind.  But also, for the first time in many years, I don’t have to worry about her power being turned off, whether or not she has money for gas in her car, is she going to work every day, does she remembers my 92 yo mother’s birthday, will she finally get a load of laundry done?  I don’t have to think about the chaos of her apartment and relationships, and whether or not she can make a life for herself as a responsible, productive, independent adult.  She is in another world, where the rules and standards are very different – and completely foreign to most of us.  Who knows – she may be thriving there.

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2 Responses to “Perverse Relief”

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Omg.. i so get this post. I so understand that even though where they are is a living hell and NOT normal you feel comfort for them. My daughter liked to vanish into trap houses — and for some reason it made sense to me and I slept better when she was there verses when she was home in her room. It is almost like when they are on the streets you know them for what they are and you don’t have to worry they have failed because it’s spelled out pretty clearly .. FAILURE. When she is home I have “normal” expectations for her and they go unnoticed by her and she remains in her dark cave depressed and out of touch. Every time I open her bedroom door I worry about what I will witness, will there be clues as to what her truth is, has she been using under my roof, will she be alive, will she sneak out when I am falling asleep, will she be there in the morning when I wake her. A lot of what if’s and it is heavy with heart breaking anxiety.

So I get this with all my heart.

Hi, Melissa. Thanks for stopping by. I just re-read this post from a couple of years ago – and it’s reality still rings true. I can quickly transport myself back to those days of “Perverse Relief”. Miraculously, my heroin addict daughter has been in full recovery now for 3 1/2 years. Her journey and mine, are still difficult to comprehend and make sense of. But, here we are. I’m still learning, and evolving, and will forever be in recovery from my daughter’s drug addiction.


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